JonathonYip's Mega Joke Thread!

[Jonathon]

I am going to post all my jokes on here, put your own one's up if you want, some of these may be a bit vulgur to some viewers so viewer discretion is advised.

And comment if they are good/funny and want more since I am trialing this.

A father asks his nine-year-old son, Johnny, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asks Johnny what is wrong.
'Oh Daddy,' Johnny sobs. 'At age six I got the "there's no Santa" speech. At age seven I got the "there's no Easter bunny" speech. Then at age eight you hit me with the "there's no tooth fairy" speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for.'

[FeanorAlmighty]

A man orders a beer at the bar.

I forgot the rest of the joke but your mom is a whore.

[Paul]

 

i was going to make one of these today!

[Jonathon]

There's a bar on the rooftop of a tall building in a large city. In this bar, a man is drinking heavily. He asks the bartender for a shot of tequila, the walks out to the balcony and jumps off. Minutes later, he comes out of the elevator and repeats the whole process. Another guy in the bar watches this happen a number of times until curiosity gets the better of him.
He goes to the jumping man and asks, 'Excuse me, I've noticed you keep drinking, the falling of the balcony. And hen a few minutes later, you come back again. How do you do it?'
'Well, the shot of tequila provides such incredible buoyancy that when I am falling and I am about to hit the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's really fun. You should try it.'
The guy, who is quite drunk, thinks to himself , 'Hey, why not give it a shot?'
So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then jumps off the balcony. A splat is heard as he hits the ground.
The bartender looks at the first guy and says, 'Geez, you're an arsehole when your drunk, Superman.'

[Jonathon]

An autopsy lecturer is giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addresses the class.
'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First,you must have no fear.'
Having said that, he soves his finger up the corpse's arsehole then licks it.
'Now you must do the same,' he tells the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class do as instructed. 'Second,' the lecturer continues, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that i put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?

[Jonathon]

A husband walks into the bedroom golding two headache tablets and a glass of water.
'What's that for?' his wife asks.
'It's for your headache.'
'But I don't have a headache.'
'Gotcha!'

[Jonathon]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and see's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, 'Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?'
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, 'No! I won't sleep with you tonight!'
Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises.
She smiles at him and says, 'I'm sorry if i embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.'
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, 'What do you mean $200?!'

[Jonathon]

'So let me get this straight,' the prosecutor says to the defendant, ' you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.'
'That's correct,' says the defendan.
'You then take out a pistol and shoot you wife, killing her.'
'That's correct.'
'Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?' asked the prosecutor.
'It seemed easier than shooting a different man every day.'

[FeanorAlmighty]

What's the difference between a chair?

[DenBrahe]

What's the difference between a chair?

Between a chair and what?

[turtleman918]

There's a batch of muffins in the oven. One muffin says to no one in particular, "Man, it's HOT in here!" Another muffin hears and, at the top of his lungs, shouts, "HOLY SHIT!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

[turtleman918]

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walk into a bar, it instantly explodes. No one place can contain this much Awesome.

[turtleman918]

Not exactly a joke but something funny outcast24 told me about.
Urban dictionary definition, Misconception: Someone who fails to understand Inception

[FeanorAlmighty]

What's the difference between a chair?

Between a chair and what?

That's the joke you fool!